The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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