I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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