I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
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