How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
