Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
