I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
