then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My feet surprised me
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