Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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