Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
