You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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