I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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