Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
