I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
