i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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