she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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