I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
