Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
