How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
