If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
