Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Im part way to drunk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
