your room smells of hookers.
And success
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
