My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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