if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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