I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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