what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
