so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My ass is underappreciated
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
