Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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