Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
