I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
