I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
