1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
