Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
