I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
