I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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