The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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