Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
