Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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