Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
