hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
