turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
