Don't you send me to vm
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
