she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
