we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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