Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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