Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
