sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
