Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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