I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
