I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
