just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
