Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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