After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
